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How
children respond to separation and divorce depends upon how well parents
negotiate the end of their relationship and create a solid foundation
in the reorganized family. Here are some guidelines:
Contain conflicts.
Ongoing conflict has a toxic effect on children. What children want most
in the world is to have the two people they love get along. Even when
parents don't stay together, children hope that the fighting will end.
Keep children
out of the middle. Encourage children to have loving relationships
with both parents. Don't let grown children look back one day and see
that a dark cloud was always hanging over the big events of their lives
because they couldn't invite both parents or they were afraid their parents
would fight.
Maintain loving relationships
with your children.
Children need at least one person consistently available to them. All
too often, parents who are unable to move on after a breakup find themselves
so exhausted or preoccupied with conflict that they lack energy for their
children. The good stuff goes away, like snuggling or reading together.
Parents need to spend 15 to 20 minutes each day in a positive activity
with their child.
Maintain
your personal well-being. Since divorce is rated second to
death in terms of stress, support is important. Reach out to friends,
family, mental-health professionals, faith-based organizations and support
groups. And avoid using alcohol, or any other substance, to reduce stress.
Structure a stable, dependable
family life. Be authoritative. Monitor your children's
whereabouts. Set consistent, reasonable ground rules, like earlier bedtimes
and less television viewing. When parents feel guilty, they unwittingly
cut their children some slack. But children really want some limits; it
gives them a sense of security.
Strive for business-like
co-parenting. Focus on the child's best interest. In
our business lives, we've all had to work with someone we didn't like,
but we had to figure out a way to work productively together. So we develop
basic rules, such as being business-like, communicating in specifics and
not leaving nasty messages on voice mail. The same model can be used effectively
with co-parenting.
One word
of caution: A cooperative model won't work if one parent is
violent, abusive or really mentally unstable. Safety needs to be the first
concern.
Pedro-Carroll, University
of Cincinnati alumna, is associate professor of psychology and psychiatry,
University of Rochester, N.Y.; director of programs, Families in Transition,
the Children's
Institute; recipient of the American
Psychological Association's 2001 Award for Distinguished Contributions
to Public Service; creator of a school-based intervention program used
around the country; and an expert who has testified at congressional briefings
and at the White House.
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